Epiphany

Sometimes you have to take a step back and
Just let happen what will
After so many years of constantly
"making it happen".... it becomes a reflex
A needy reflex
But life doesn't work that way
Doesn't play by the rules we think we can set for it
Let nature.... be nature
Have expectations
But keep them in check
Strange what happens when you listen to the silence

He was like a father to me...

Today I attended the funeral of my best friend's dad. It was unexpected. I had to bury the grief deep inside over the weekend as I helped my sister celebrate the joyful event of her marriage. The range of extreme emotions constantly battling in me over the past week has been utterly exhausting. I said goodbyes to my happy sister, and flew across the country to hug my sorrowing best friend. How strange it is to laugh and smile with real happiness, and then minutes later wipe away the tears of loss and heartbreak. Neither feeling forced and fake, yet neither fully embraced. The inner peace, however, is never troubled... and my heart is more and more like a deep ocean... sparkling or moody at the surface for all to experience, yet calm and thoughtful at the very depths. This exhausted body is going to sleep now.

Today...

A lovely day it was today
The sun, the air
My heart.
So calm, so peaceful
So ready to move on
Whatever's out there
Waiting to inspire me
Make me laugh
Sweep over my soul
Like an ocean breeze

And as the night
Quietly tiptoes in
And gently brushes its fingertips
Over my lashes
Tired, so tired -
I succumb to it's sprinkling
Of beach sand.

So goodnight.

=)

Lofty thoughts

Sitting in the airplane on the way to my grandmother's funeral a couple days ago, I was drifting off to sleep when two poems sprang, almost simultaneously into my head...
One about my past, and the other about my present.

My Past:


You wanted to continue
Even 3000 miles away
You said to me I love you
And convinced my heart to stay
I din't know that you were cheating
And were married all along
That you had bought a house with her
And that she became a mom
The loneliness and the sorrow
You caused me for a year
ended the day that I found out
And I shed not one more tear
The anger helped me heal soon
And I forgave you 'cuz it's right
But I will never forget that wrong
Much worse than endless night.



Presently:

I look at you, my tongue ties up
Although I babble on
And slowly my heart is breaking
At the thought that you'll be gone.
And the hurt of an angry past
Prevents my willing soul
From speaking up and saying you're
One half of my one whole.
And you won't say a word
You never indicate
What it is you feel
Or whether I'm too late.
And so I'll close my eyes
Let tears fall till I sleep -
It seems the greatest thing I've found
Is a secret I must keep.

almost there

It's almost time to go home... not home. Not my home. My home is here. I'm going to my parents' home, to my brothers' and sisters' home. To my past.
I mean, it's not like I grew up in that house, but I did grow up in that area; and many of my best friends are there.

hmmm... there's a very old post somewhere in my journal...

let me find it.

ah, here it is. Funny thing is that I wrote it exactly three years ago today! (or yesterday, I guess, since it's after midnight now)

.....

26AUG2005

Current mood:
thoughtful
Current music:
Vertical Horizon -- We Are
Entry tags:
heart
HOME...Where do you think of when you hear the word home? Do you think about the room or the house in which you live? Perhaps a town, a city, or a state? Your parents' residence? Do you think about a school, or a store, book-house, coffee shop? Or do you think about a certain group of friends, or a park, or a picture?Home is where the heart is, or so they say. This is so true... I just thought today about home... Rather, i had to stop and think about where my heart is.This is hard to admit, even to myself. My heart has been right here, in El Centro, with me; right here in my barracks room; right here at work on jets; right here during fod walk-down, and in the hot pits; right here in the ocean-like depths of Navy life. It has not been in Idaho with my family, in Oregon with my friends, in France with my greatest and most beloved teachers... it has not been rooted, either, in the Greatest Good. In realizing this, i became confused. If home is where the heart is, then my home is right here, and the Navy is my home. Certainly, i have said many times that the Navy IS my life... and this seems to be true: it is what I live and breathe.Then why am I happy? If my heart is not with all that went into making me who i am, does that make me ungrateful? i am certainly prideful, i realize that. But really, has it taken me so far?Maybe i'm just imagining things... maybe i really do care so very much about all that. Is it possible that things can come along in life that tend to overshadow all of this? I was in love once; that certainly overshadowed everything.But I thought that love was the only thing that could do that...Perhaps... well, it is possible to be in love, and the object of that love not a person. Right? Perhaps... that may be the answer to my own question.Let me think.

.....


Granted, I was a -relatively- young airman then, and i've grown up some, and changed my ideas a little bit... but i still have the same conjecture i guess. for example me saying the navy is my life... well now it's become a part of my life rather than my be all end all... it's just a part of growing up and growing great...


Well, time to get ready to leave.