Epiphany

Sometimes you have to take a step back and
Just let happen what will
After so many years of constantly
"making it happen".... it becomes a reflex
A needy reflex
But life doesn't work that way
Doesn't play by the rules we think we can set for it
Let nature.... be nature
Have expectations
But keep them in check
Strange what happens when you listen to the silence

He was like a father to me...

Today I attended the funeral of my best friend's dad. It was unexpected. I had to bury the grief deep inside over the weekend as I helped my sister celebrate the joyful event of her marriage. The range of extreme emotions constantly battling in me over the past week has been utterly exhausting. I said goodbyes to my happy sister, and flew across the country to hug my sorrowing best friend. How strange it is to laugh and smile with real happiness, and then minutes later wipe away the tears of loss and heartbreak. Neither feeling forced and fake, yet neither fully embraced. The inner peace, however, is never troubled... and my heart is more and more like a deep ocean... sparkling or moody at the surface for all to experience, yet calm and thoughtful at the very depths. This exhausted body is going to sleep now.

Want

I want to close my eyes and sleep
To dream of you
I want to tell the moon we're strong
We're able to
Weather the storm, each gale and wave
Long distance strength, courageous and brave.

I want to hold your gentle hand
With fingers clasped
And on your shoulder rest my head
Ah home at last!
Close my eyes and hear you breathe
Just let my false misgivings leave.

Forgetten maybe...

Or out of sight out of mind... ?
I was gone, the deployment was long
And I'm so tired
Would you even know?
And it's funny how
The heart and the eye
Are attached
In many more ways than one.
I wanted to claim the opposite, but the more I thought
About it the more I realized it was so.
And so...
Close your eyes
And let your heart
Remember me.

<3


 (an old poem, from several years ago) Basically I've wondered for years if distance truly makes the heart grow fonder, or if it makes someone forget you, because they can't see you. Experience tells me the latter is more often the case. But I don't forget. I never did understand how others could. But they do. Oh well. I wish someone would prove me wrong. Just once.

Not the one

You held my heart in your hand
Your hand
And I tried but I could never make
You understand
And when I saw you this weekend I finally realized
You're not the one
You're not the one

Christmas lights and carriage rides
Red lips, pin curls and pearls
Laughter and love, and freezing toes
But no - you're not the one.

I held your heart in my hand
My hand
And you told me but you couldn't make
Me understand
And when I see you this weekend I hope you'll realize
You're not the one
You're not the one

City lights and opera seats
Red dress, long talks and walks
Honest and open, great distance looms
Still no - you're not the one

Ohhh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Baby, don't worry
You're in my heart you're in my prayers
And Baby... our story
Will make sense one of these years
So toss your fears
Toss those fears
Cuz it's they-
And not you (it's you)
They're not 'the one'...

Today...

A lovely day it was today
The sun, the air
My heart.
So calm, so peaceful
So ready to move on
Whatever's out there
Waiting to inspire me
Make me laugh
Sweep over my soul
Like an ocean breeze

And as the night
Quietly tiptoes in
And gently brushes its fingertips
Over my lashes
Tired, so tired -
I succumb to it's sprinkling
Of beach sand.

So goodnight.

=)

Response of sorts

I read it, and read it again
And still it fills me with such
Great sadness.
And with the last line, I too-
I wonder. Where is she?
She's alone
But not lonely
Well, not all the time.
And my goodness.
I thought she was strong
But what is this gooeyness
You mention?
I do not like gooey.
And she- she shies away
From it.
And from those lines as well.
You're right my dear...
Where did she go?
Or did she ever leave?
Really.

Her name means worthy of being loved...

I hope it does you good.
Finally you took a step forward
Timorous, and tearful
But you did it.
Sure there was coaxing involved
And maybe some harsh words
But love, and faith
And oh so much hope-
All of those were involved too
And here you are!
A new beginning in a new day
And a whole new life...
Why?
Because you had the courage
To move
To be strong!

Apology....

I said I'd write
That very night
But did I? No-
Forgotten.

The lines did flow
That time ago
But they, unwrit
Remained.

So I idly sit
With eyebrows knit
But that day's theme
Departed.

Thus now I scheme
With thoughts that teem
For you, to write,
Sweet Kate.

My sisters.

Blue eyes, brown hair
O how I miss you dear!
Sweet laugh, silliness
O how I wish you were here.
The memories, and all the fun
Bonfires, long walks too,
Down by the river and up on the hill
And all our jokes both old and new

Ocean Day Dreaming

Top hat, coat tails
Crisp cuffs-
Details
The music swells
And hearts
As well
The orchestra
Tunes up.

She smiles at him
The lights
Go dim
He takes her hand
For ovations
Stand
Ah someday,
Someday!

Rock and Roll

There's a certain something in
The rolling of the ship and
The music inside my ears that
Promotes a sort of heart ache
And joy in life all at once.

Dear Amanda

"Don't take the pills!!!!"

You give me strength

I was so worried for a moment
That the breath would not come
And the stinging of the bee
Was just my chest going numb
And the silence was as heavy
As deep water - tons per inch
But I fought the terror off
And drew the air with unseen winch

And slowly, so slowly
And carefully too
Give heart wherewithall to beat
And keep blood a healthy blue
The sun outside my window
Decides to shine as if it knew
And fought the clouds off
Just like I did
And will continue to.


To Cassie, Katie, and Amanda

Christmas Eve

I wish someone... anyone... was here with me. The tree is pretty, but not much of a conversationalist.

Everyone is gone out of town, and Van is keeping his distance, but will show up for dinner tomorrow.

this is me signing out
>> So Lonely tonight.

Le Sigh

Another quote from my beloved You've Got Mail:

"I don't know what to do... in the mean time, I'm putting up more twinkle lights"

Because honestly, when you get to this point, twinkle lights are the only things that make sense... and the only thing that brings along a tiny bit of what happiness must feel like with them.


Lots of twinkle lights tonight! the tree, the windows, anywhere I have enough to put.


I detest the holidays. I always have. But I love the lights.

Thank God for them.

Lofty thoughts

Sitting in the airplane on the way to my grandmother's funeral a couple days ago, I was drifting off to sleep when two poems sprang, almost simultaneously into my head...
One about my past, and the other about my present.

My Past:


You wanted to continue
Even 3000 miles away
You said to me I love you
And convinced my heart to stay
I din't know that you were cheating
And were married all along
That you had bought a house with her
And that she became a mom
The loneliness and the sorrow
You caused me for a year
ended the day that I found out
And I shed not one more tear
The anger helped me heal soon
And I forgave you 'cuz it's right
But I will never forget that wrong
Much worse than endless night.



Presently:

I look at you, my tongue ties up
Although I babble on
And slowly my heart is breaking
At the thought that you'll be gone.
And the hurt of an angry past
Prevents my willing soul
From speaking up and saying you're
One half of my one whole.
And you won't say a word
You never indicate
What it is you feel
Or whether I'm too late.
And so I'll close my eyes
Let tears fall till I sleep -
It seems the greatest thing I've found
Is a secret I must keep.

Au claire de la lune

Open and bright
Glowing so lovely
When the day kisses night
She blossoms

Timid and shy
His light so sweet
She says sad goodbye
And crumples

The shadow hides
The stems and vines
The moon pulls the tides
And her tears

Longs for the sun
Her life it shines
The world weighs a ton
O Moonflower.

So unsure

Have you ever gone swimming
In a doubtful sea?
Thick and dark like an inkpot...
Every hope stained
With a deep, cavernous hue
Every smile dimmed
By a voice unechoed
And so many chances not taken
For fear of drowning

Do you not feel the same;
Or will you rescue me?

Well,

Off to the boat soon.

Dear Lord... I know I'll see you out there on the water...

In a way, we sailors, we too walk on water, for months at a time. Working, sleeping, eating, praying.
Every day is like the one before, with little variation. Structured, I call it. Others call it monotonous. But for me, it's like a sweet release. A month out there becomes a single moment in time, where I can take a deep breath of salt-heavy air to clear my head, and sort out all the current craziness in my life. Then, forgetting it all in the rush and attention to detail that is involved in staying alive on a flight deck the hours fly by. Tumbling, whirling the hours become moments and before you know it, you're calling dibs on a shower, and you're soon climbing into a tiny rack. Tiny? well for some. But for my less than five foot two stature, the rack is not tiny. it's perfect. it's my safe haven where I can think about everything without distaction. Where I can reason, argue, see all sides of each story, and finally come to a conclusion. All by myself. A place where I can make decisions to change the things I can, and to accept the things I cannot change.

And a place where I can talk to God.

Like I said, dear Lord... I'll see you out there.

Love, from Dayna