Epiphany

Sometimes you have to take a step back and
Just let happen what will
After so many years of constantly
"making it happen".... it becomes a reflex
A needy reflex
But life doesn't work that way
Doesn't play by the rules we think we can set for it
Let nature.... be nature
Have expectations
But keep them in check
Strange what happens when you listen to the silence

He was like a father to me...

Today I attended the funeral of my best friend's dad. It was unexpected. I had to bury the grief deep inside over the weekend as I helped my sister celebrate the joyful event of her marriage. The range of extreme emotions constantly battling in me over the past week has been utterly exhausting. I said goodbyes to my happy sister, and flew across the country to hug my sorrowing best friend. How strange it is to laugh and smile with real happiness, and then minutes later wipe away the tears of loss and heartbreak. Neither feeling forced and fake, yet neither fully embraced. The inner peace, however, is never troubled... and my heart is more and more like a deep ocean... sparkling or moody at the surface for all to experience, yet calm and thoughtful at the very depths. This exhausted body is going to sleep now.

Want

I want to close my eyes and sleep
To dream of you
I want to tell the moon we're strong
We're able to
Weather the storm, each gale and wave
Long distance strength, courageous and brave.

I want to hold your gentle hand
With fingers clasped
And on your shoulder rest my head
Ah home at last!
Close my eyes and hear you breathe
Just let my false misgivings leave.

Forgetten maybe...

Or out of sight out of mind... ?
I was gone, the deployment was long
And I'm so tired
Would you even know?
And it's funny how
The heart and the eye
Are attached
In many more ways than one.
I wanted to claim the opposite, but the more I thought
About it the more I realized it was so.
And so...
Close your eyes
And let your heart
Remember me.

<3


 (an old poem, from several years ago) Basically I've wondered for years if distance truly makes the heart grow fonder, or if it makes someone forget you, because they can't see you. Experience tells me the latter is more often the case. But I don't forget. I never did understand how others could. But they do. Oh well. I wish someone would prove me wrong. Just once.

A letter from my former LPO (12DEC2011)

So is it AT1 now? Well, your email says otherwise. Get it fixed:-) Anyways, just wanted say congratulations on your cap to First. Well deserved. Obviously you did some things over there at 143 that impressed the leadership and they rewarded you accordingly. Take that for what it worth and continue to work your way up. Now, I gonna throw you a few bones that are not normally covered in PO1 indoc...

Learn to take your lumps. The hits are gonna come fast and hard in your pay grade now. You're going to be held accountable for just about everything and everyone under you. Whether you are the LPO or not, just by holding the rank as a First Class in a work center, you are expected to manage and lead.
And what I mean by learning to take you lumps is: learn to take those ass chewings. What most first classes don't understand is how to separate professional criticism from a personal attack. Once you learn that, you see that it's more about mental toughness than anything. As you show that mental toughness and the ability to correct your mistakes, you'll start to gain a lot of respect from your leadership and things may get a lot easier for you down the road.

Remember that senior leadership are people first. Some sailors tend think of senior leadership as being "Holy-er than thou," which is, as you know, far from true. Your leaders are no different from you and me...they're just holding a higher rank or position. And just like the people in this world, you have some good ones, some mediocre ones, and some terrible ones. Learning to deal with those different types of leadership has always been and continue to be a challenge. And yes, you will run into that Chief one day who doesn't like "women" leading men in the Navy, and he's gonna give you a hard time. Again, learning how to deal with these type of people is key, and they will eventually respect you as such.

And last but not least, your sailors. I'm sure you've already experienced it in the Second Class ranks, but it's even worse as you move up...competition and backstabbing. A lot of first classes tend to forget that their primary job is to LEAD sailors. That's why you're called "first line leaders." Most first classes get caught up in the eval process for making Chief and stray off course trying to do so. If you're taking on 4 collateral duties, going to school, but your shop is fucked up, then you've lost sight of your primary job. The Chief's mess has an eye for that type of stuff and you'll get picked apart when they see you. Another thing to keep in mind when you get that LPO job...You don't have to be the SME (subject matter expert) to lead a work center. All you need are 2 technically solid and strong second classes; one as you right-hand man to supervise the maintenance on days, and one to run nights. Don't consume yourself too deep into the maintenance part of the job that you lose your overall grip on the shop as a whole. And yes, it is okay for one of your second classes to be a little more technically inclined than you. Just learn all you can from them and in return, teach them how to manage/lead.

That concludes my "words of wisdom." Again, congrats on your CAP, and continue to do what you've been doing. No matter what path you decide to take, LDO or CPO, use this experience as a building block and set yourself up for success. Use your resources because it aint gonna get any easier (Bronson is learning that one right now:-)


V/R
ATC(AW) Kenneth S. Dewitt
CNATTU Oceana

Not the one

You held my heart in your hand
Your hand
And I tried but I could never make
You understand
And when I saw you this weekend I finally realized
You're not the one
You're not the one

Christmas lights and carriage rides
Red lips, pin curls and pearls
Laughter and love, and freezing toes
But no - you're not the one.

I held your heart in my hand
My hand
And you told me but you couldn't make
Me understand
And when I see you this weekend I hope you'll realize
You're not the one
You're not the one

City lights and opera seats
Red dress, long talks and walks
Honest and open, great distance looms
Still no - you're not the one

Ohhh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Baby, don't worry
You're in my heart you're in my prayers
And Baby... our story
Will make sense one of these years
So toss your fears
Toss those fears
Cuz it's they-
And not you (it's you)
They're not 'the one'...

Reminder

And yet soon was two months ago
Or thereabout

And hearing your voice on the phone tonight
Made me remember
Remember to think, remember to write
Remember
And on and on I read, kept reading; until-
Until I remembered
Once again, and picked up my keyboard quill
To type.
But wait - I can't remember - or somehow
The words...
They're just gone, their beauty faded now
Where'd they go?

And I am left here staring and hoping
And dreaming.