I'll give you a Coma

A letter from my former LPO (12DEC2011)

2012-01-23T17:07:00.000-05:00

So is it AT1 now? Well, your email says otherwise. Get it fixed:-) Anyways, just wanted say congratulations on your cap to First. Well deserved. Obviously you did some things over there at 143 that impressed the leadership and they rewarded you accordingly. Take that for what it worth and continue to work your way up. Now, I gonna throw you a few bones that are not normally covered in PO1 indoc...

Learn to take your lumps. The hits are gonna come fast and hard in your pay grade now. You're going to be held accountable for just about everything and everyone under you. Whether you are the LPO or not, just by holding the rank as a First Class in a work center, you are expected to manage and lead.
And what I mean by learning to take you lumps is: learn to take those ass chewings. What most first classes don't understand is how to separate professional criticism from a personal attack. Once you learn that, you see that it's more about mental toughness than anything. As you show that mental toughness and the ability to correct your mistakes, you'll start to gain a lot of respect from your leadership and things may get a lot easier for you down the road.

Remember that senior leadership are people first. Some sailors tend think of senior leadership as being "Holy-er than thou," which is, as you know, far from true. Your leaders are no different from you and me...they're just holding a higher rank or position. And just like the people in this world, you have some good ones, some mediocre ones, and some terrible ones. Learning to deal with those different types of leadership has always been and continue to be a challenge. And yes, you will run into that Chief one day who doesn't like "women" leading men in the Navy, and he's gonna give you a hard time. Again, learning how to deal with these type of people is key, and they will eventually respect you as such.

And last but not least, your sailors. I'm sure you've already experienced it in the Second Class ranks, but it's even worse as you move up...competition and backstabbing. A lot of first classes tend to forget that their primary job is to LEAD sailors. That's why you're called "first line leaders." Most first classes get caught up in the eval process for making Chief and stray off course trying to do so. If you're taking on 4 collateral duties, going to school, but your shop is fucked up, then you've lost sight of your primary job. The Chief's mess has an eye for that type of stuff and you'll get picked apart when they see you. Another thing to keep in mind when you get that LPO job...You don't have to be the SME (subject matter expert) to lead a work center. All you need are 2 technically solid and strong second classes; one as you right-hand man to supervise the maintenance on days, and one to run nights. Don't consume yourself too deep into the maintenance part of the job that you lose your overall grip on the shop as a whole. And yes, it is okay for one of your second classes to be a little more technically inclined than you. Just learn all you can from them and in return, teach them how to manage/lead.

That concludes my "words of wisdom." Again, congrats on your CAP, and continue to do what you've been doing. No matter what path you decide to take, LDO or CPO, use this experience as a building block and set yourself up for success. Use your resources because it aint gonna get any easier (Bronson is learning that one right now:-)

V/R
ATC(AW) Kenneth S. Dewitt
CNATTU Oceana

Not the one

2011-12-03T17:57:00.007-05:00

You held my heart in your hand
Your hand
And I tried but I could never make
You understand
And when I saw you this weekend I finally realized
You're not the one
You're not the one

Christmas lights and carriage rides
Red lips, pin curls and pearls
Laughter and love, and freezing toes
But no - you're not the one.

I held your heart in my hand
My hand
And you told me but you couldn't make
Me understand
And when I see you this weekend I hope you'll realize
You're not the one
You're not the one

City lights and opera seats
Red dress, long talks and walks
Honest and open, great distance looms
Still no - you're not the one

Ohhh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Baby, don't worry
You're in my heart you're in my prayers
And Baby... our story
Will make sense one of these years
So toss your fears
Toss those fears
Cuz it's they-
And not you (it's you)
They're not 'the one'...

Reminder

2011-12-03T17:42:00.004-05:00

And yet soon was two months ago
Or thereabout

And hearing your voice on the phone tonight
Made me remember
Remember to think, remember to write
Remember
And on and on I read, kept reading; until-
Until I remembered
Once again, and picked up my keyboard quill
To type.
But wait - I can't remember - or somehow
The words...
They're just gone, their beauty faded now
Where'd they go?

And I am left here staring and hoping
And dreaming.

time...

2011-10-08T15:15:00.001-04:00

It's been a very long time, but finally, I feel verse, poetry, prose fraught with... beauty?.... all rolling about in my head again.

I will write soon. Very soon.

I feel it.

Today...

2010-08-30T21:10:00.002-04:00

A lovely day it was today
The sun, the air
My heart.
So calm, so peaceful
So ready to move on
Whatever's out there
Waiting to inspire me
Make me laugh
Sweep over my soul
Like an ocean breeze

And as the night
Quietly tiptoes in
And gently brushes its fingertips
Over my lashes
Tired, so tired -
I succumb to it's sprinkling
Of beach sand.

So goodnight.

=)

"Walking at night..."

2010-01-18T10:00:00.002-05:00

I like to walk, and never seem to do enough of it since I moved to Virginia. Now that I live in a neighborhood, it'll be great to go on walks and such in the lovely summer evenings when I finally get home. When I was a teenager, I used to go on walks almost every night. By myself, with my sisters, or with one of the younger kids in the stroller. Those walks were something I couldn't live without. They provided a sense of freedom that I couldn't find anywhere else; our home was so controlled, so protected by my mother, that it seemed as though we had to ask permission to breathe. When I would take those walks, I could talk to my sisters about anything, without worrying about being overheard, or judged. I could let my mind wander or not think about anything in particular without being told that I was not putting my time to good use. Mom considered these walks of ours a rather harmless indulgence, and would frequently allow it; little did she know that it was the only chance for sanity that was afforded us at times. On nights when I knew she'd say no, I'd sneak out oh so quietly and walk as quickly as I could, just one time, around the block, for even those few minutes were too precious to relinquish...

Just Live

2009-11-30T03:38:00.001-05:00

(written July 12, 2004- Pensacola, FL)

I found out what it was like to live
I found out where hapiness hides
I now know what to take, to give
And where patient time abides

A smile a laugh from you to me
Is what keeps the river flowing
Just open your eyes and you will see
What it takes to keep on going

Sorrow is only passing sad
It comes and goes in storm
YOU decide how terribly bad
And then rise up in the morn

Sadness can be underlying
But happiness has it's place
No matter how often you think you're dying
Between the two it's just a race

A race to see which holds out most
And both seem great in turn
When one dominates the other's a ghost
Our hearts with raging fires burn

So live just LIVE!!!
Just learn and grow
Go on forget the madness
Take all in stride
And soon you'll know
No difference betwixt joy and sadness

The Roof

2009-11-30T03:17:00.001-05:00

The rumble, the roar
Sounds men of ages
Have never heard before
Cats that steam, and birds that scream
And skittles helter-skelter.

Response of sorts

2009-11-30T02:36:00.002-05:00

I read it, and read it again
And still it fills me with such
Great sadness.
And with the last line, I too-
I wonder. Where is she?
She's alone
But not lonely
Well, not all the time.
And my goodness.
I thought she was strong
But what is this gooeyness
You mention?
I do not like gooey.
And she- she shies away
From it.
And from those lines as well.
You're right my dear...
Where did she go?
Or did she ever leave?
Really.

Her name means worthy of being loved...

2009-10-23T19:47:00.004-04:00

I hope it does you good.
Finally you took a step forward
Timorous, and tearful
But you did it.
Sure there was coaxing involved
And maybe some harsh words
But love, and faith
And oh so much hope-
All of those were involved too
And here you are!
A new beginning in a new day
And a whole new life...
Why?
Because you had the courage
To move
To be strong!

Apology....

2009-09-03T11:56:00.004-04:00

I said I'd write
That very night
But did I? No-
Forgotten.

The lines did flow
That time ago
But they, unwrit
Remained.

So I idly sit
With eyebrows knit
But that day's theme
Departed.

Thus now I scheme
With thoughts that teem
For you, to write,
Sweet Kate.

My sisters.

2009-05-01T20:34:00.003-04:00

Blue eyes, brown hair
O how I miss you dear!
Sweet laugh, silliness
O how I wish you were here.
The memories, and all the fun
Bonfires, long walks too,
Down by the river and up on the hill
And all our jokes both old and new

Ocean Day Dreaming

2009-04-16T12:40:00.002-04:00

Top hat, coat tails
Crisp cuffs-
Details
The music swells
And hearts
As well
The orchestra
Tunes up.

She smiles at him
The lights
Go dim
He takes her hand
For ovations
Stand
Ah someday,
Someday!

Rock and Roll

2009-03-03T18:03:00.002-05:00

There's a certain something in
The rolling of the ship and
The music inside my ears that
Promotes a sort of heart ache
And joy in life all at once.

Just wanna say...

2009-02-06T17:00:00.003-05:00

Today's thoughts are in my journal; and I left it unlocked today, so that those who don't have a username or aren't on my friends list **cough** katie **cough** can read it. But I recommend that you do get one, simply because I will be posting there more often once I'm out to sea. Here is for prose and poetry, there is for day-to-day. Anywho...
that's that.

Dear Amanda

2009-02-02T10:51:00.001-05:00

"Don't take the pills!!!!"

Life inspiration

2009-02-01T23:28:00.002-05:00

I must read my beloved Captains Courageous again.

I have nothing at all to do this week (well not nothing, but not work since I'm taking leave to set my affairs in order before cruise). I shall read it again, and remember that the ocean and hard work and the ship will make me stronger and a better person.

oh man

2009-01-31T16:08:00.002-05:00

that's it you've done it now
what you said wasn't very nice
shocked that you didn't take it back
I'm going to say this once not twice.
I'm done with feeling sorry
I'm a big girl - so piss off
I took a chance and failed
to such baveness hats must doff
And my confidence again renewed
persue my singular path of great
To become the best that ever was
It's never, no never not ever too late.

that was most definately the very first and very last time I allow myself to consider changing my course because of a whim.

hmmmm

2009-01-31T13:29:00.003-05:00

Prosetry...

the word just presented itself to me at the end of a short thread of thought (if one can call the disjointed bits and peices that run through my head a thread... but certainly thought)...

i like it. prosetry.

(prōsětrē)

You give me strength

2009-01-30T14:34:00.003-05:00

I was so worried for a moment
That the breath would not come
And the stinging of the bee
Was just my chest going numb
And the silence was as heavy
As deep water - tons per inch
But I fought the terror off
And drew the air with unseen winch

And slowly, so slowly
And carefully too
Give heart wherewithall to beat
And keep blood a healthy blue
The sun outside my window
Decides to shine as if it knew
And fought the clouds off
Just like I did
And will continue to.

To Cassie, Katie, and Amanda

2009-01-05T13:47:00.001-05:00

please look to my other blog for todays thoughts

P.S.

2009-01-05T00:05:00.000-05:00

What a shitty way to start out a new year.

Happy freakin' New Year

Big Girls...

2009-01-04T23:58:00.000-05:00

...Do cry. I wanna know who the idiot was that started the rumor that they don't. Cuz i believed him, and was pretty well off until i found out first hand that his assumption was wrong.

They do.

Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T22:29:00.000-05:00

I wish someone... anyone... was here with me. The tree is pretty, but not much of a conversationalist.

Everyone is gone out of town, and Van is keeping his distance, but will show up for dinner tomorrow.

this is me signing out
>> So Lonely tonight.

Le Sigh

2008-12-07T19:08:00.000-05:00

Another quote from my beloved You've Got Mail:

"I don't know what to do... in the mean time, I'm putting up more twinkle lights"

Because honestly, when you get to this point, twinkle lights are the only things that make sense... and the only thing that brings along a tiny bit of what happiness must feel like with them.

Lots of twinkle lights tonight! the tree, the windows, anywhere I have enough to put.

I detest the holidays. I always have. But I love the lights.

Thank God for them.

Lofty thoughts

2008-11-26T22:39:00.000-05:00

Sitting in the airplane on the way to my grandmother's funeral a couple days ago, I was drifting off to sleep when two poems sprang, almost simultaneously into my head...
One about my past, and the other about my present.

My Past:

You wanted to continue
Even 3000 miles away
You said to me I love you
And convinced my heart to stay
I din't know that you were cheating
And were married all along
That you had bought a house with her
And that she became a mom
The loneliness and the sorrow
You caused me for a year
ended the day that I found out
And I shed not one more tear
The anger helped me heal soon
And I forgave you 'cuz it's right
But I will never forget that wrong
Much worse than endless night.

Presently:

I look at you, my tongue ties up
Although I babble on
And slowly my heart is breaking
At the thought that you'll be gone.
And the hurt of an angry past
Prevents my willing soul
From speaking up and saying you're
One half of my one whole.
And you won't say a word
You never indicate
What it is you feel
Or whether I'm too late.
And so I'll close my eyes
Let tears fall till I sleep -
It seems the greatest thing I've found
Is a secret I must keep.

Au claire de la lune

2008-11-03T04:11:00.000-05:00

Open and bright
Glowing so lovely
When the day kisses night
She blossoms

Timid and shy
His light so sweet
She says sad goodbye
And crumples

The shadow hides
The stems and vines
The moon pulls the tides
And her tears

Longs for the sun
Her life it shines
The world weighs a ton
O Moonflower.

So unsure

2008-11-03T01:41:00.000-05:00

Have you ever gone swimming
In a doubtful sea?
Thick and dark like an inkpot...
Every hope stained
With a deep, cavernous hue
Every smile dimmed
By a voice unechoed
And so many chances not taken
For fear of drowning

Do you not feel the same;
Or will you rescue me?

Anna Nalick

2008-09-26T05:50:00.000-04:00

I love her music.

Especially this song... for some reason it's always stuck in my head, and I'm always humming it or singing it. And not just recently; pretty much ever since I heard it the first time a few years ago... weird. But it's pretty, fun, well written, and the words speak volumes. They're kinda defensive, and have a hint of attitude: like me.

Here it is:

"Consider This"

I've tripped again and things are starting to get interesting
Don't give me choices cause I can't decide
My mind is soaked in words
I've come to terms with all my insecurities
And purity's no friend of mine

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me

You're kinda cool but I know better than to break the rules
Of messin' with a lesson that I'll never learn
I'll go from bad to worse and later back to better
But I'll never better bridges that I'm bent to burn

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me

This is a warning
This is a warning
This is a warning

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me
If you're trying to change me
If you're trying to change me

Well,

2008-09-13T13:47:00.000-04:00

Off to the boat soon.

Dear Lord... I know I'll see you out there on the water...

In a way, we sailors, we too walk on water, for months at a time. Working, sleeping, eating, praying.
Every day is like the one before, with little variation. Structured, I call it. Others call it monotonous. But for me, it's like a sweet release. A month out there becomes a single moment in time, where I can take a deep breath of salt-heavy air to clear my head, and sort out all the current craziness in my life. Then, forgetting it all in the rush and attention to detail that is involved in staying alive on a flight deck the hours fly by. Tumbling, whirling the hours become moments and before you know it, you're calling dibs on a shower, and you're soon climbing into a tiny rack. Tiny? well for some. But for my less than five foot two stature, the rack is not tiny. it's perfect. it's my safe haven where I can think about everything without distaction. Where I can reason, argue, see all sides of each story, and finally come to a conclusion. All by myself. A place where I can make decisions to change the things I can, and to accept the things I cannot change.

And a place where I can talk to God.

Like I said, dear Lord... I'll see you out there.

Love, from Dayna

URL

2008-09-09T18:48:00.000-04:00

What now silly girl?

how appropriate.

=(

hmph

2008-08-30T06:57:00.000-04:00

If you just realized...

dumb song. pretty, but stuck in my head since i just heard it on the way home...

almost there

2008-08-27T07:19:00.000-04:00

It's almost time to go home... not home. Not my home. My home is here. I'm going to my parents' home, to my brothers' and sisters' home. To my past.
I mean, it's not like I grew up in that house, but I did grow up in that area; and many of my best friends are there.

hmmm... there's a very old post somewhere in my journal...

let me find it.

ah, here it is. Funny thing is that I wrote it exactly three years ago today! (or yesterday, I guess, since it's after midnight now)

.....

26AUG2005

Current mood:
thoughtful
Current music:
Vertical Horizon -- We Are
Entry tags:
heart
HOME...Where do you think of when you hear the word home? Do you think about the room or the house in which you live? Perhaps a town, a city, or a state? Your parents' residence? Do you think about a school, or a store, book-house, coffee shop? Or do you think about a certain group of friends, or a park, or a picture?Home is where the heart is, or so they say. This is so true... I just thought today about home... Rather, i had to stop and think about where my heart is.This is hard to admit, even to myself. My heart has been right here, in El Centro, with me; right here in my barracks room; right here at work on jets; right here during fod walk-down, and in the hot pits; right here in the ocean-like depths of Navy life. It has not been in Idaho with my family, in Oregon with my friends, in France with my greatest and most beloved teachers... it has not been rooted, either, in the Greatest Good. In realizing this, i became confused. If home is where the heart is, then my home is right here, and the Navy is my home. Certainly, i have said many times that the Navy IS my life... and this seems to be true: it is what I live and breathe.Then why am I happy? If my heart is not with all that went into making me who i am, does that make me ungrateful? i am certainly prideful, i realize that. But really, has it taken me so far?Maybe i'm just imagining things... maybe i really do care so very much about all that. Is it possible that things can come along in life that tend to overshadow all of this? I was in love once; that certainly overshadowed everything.But I thought that love was the only thing that could do that...Perhaps... well, it is possible to be in love, and the object of that love not a person. Right? Perhaps... that may be the answer to my own question.Let me think.

.....

Granted, I was a -relatively- young airman then, and i've grown up some, and changed my ideas a little bit... but i still have the same conjecture i guess. for example me saying the navy is my life... well now it's become a part of my life rather than my be all end all... it's just a part of growing up and growing great...

Well, time to get ready to leave.

eh?

2008-08-25T23:12:00.000-04:00

Mais, qu'est qu'il a?

je sais pas.

Ou, je sais, en fait... mais comment dire?

Alors!

Dayna's Musical

2008-08-25T22:18:00.000-04:00

But my question is
Will I get it right?
I could just compose
Bad poetry all night
And never once arrive
Where truth lives.

Communication's not my thing
But at least I'm trying;
You were right you know...
If only I could sing
My every single thought
It might be easier.

Well how about that?
Let's sing everything!

And Then?

2008-08-25T22:04:00.000-04:00

So, ok.. listen:
I'm not stupid, you know
But sometimes I wonder
Especially when I feel so.
Stubborn? yeah that's me
But what did you expect?
I'll pretend i don't care
And stifle weak regret.
A smile - a laugh
Yeah, so what?
Sometimes
You feel like a nut
Sometimes you don't
Know what I'm saying?
The disappointment inside
Won't keep me from playing.
So anywho... that's
That for tonight.
Maybe more later
Till I get it right.

cloudy eyes and sailing thoughts

2008-08-14T08:47:00.000-04:00

Again on watch, as my poetry goes
It seems like my only inspiration these days.
The olympiad sounds from the screen behind
But it's near three am so it's all replays.
If you'll wait a moment, I'll make a note
In the duty log, zero three hundred -- secure
Four and a half hours left, thank god!
Then out of this uniform and in bed for sure.
I'm distracted you know, so much going on
In my head: a constant tornado of sorts;
And I'm exhausted, can't wait for my thoughts
-Dissapointed ships- to secure in their ports.
So, driving home, soon - not soon enough
I'll breathe "Deo Gratias" at the thought of my bed
I so welcome sleep, which keeps me from thinking
And for a moment erases the things that were said.

"Girl Sailor"

2008-08-07T17:27:00.000-04:00

This song is by The Shins, whose music I love. Their lyricism is beautiful and appeals to me very much.

But never have I found this song befitting of my personal life. But today it does. right. this. second.

I present to you.... Girl Sailor

EDIT: rather just get the song and listen to it... good music too

edit edit... I found it, so you don't have to look for it.

The gutter may profess its love,
Then follow it with hesitation,
But there are just so many of
You out there for rent

A stronger girl would shake this off in flight,
And never give it more than a frowning hour,
But you have let your heart decide,
Loss has conquered you,

You've won one too many fights,
Wearing many hats every time,
But you wont win here tonight,

You've made it through the direst of straits alright,
Can you help it if plain love now seems less interesting?
You haven't changed an ounce in my eyes,
And I cannot lecture you,

And does anything I say seem relevant at all?
You've been at the helm since you were just five,
While I cannot claim to be more than a passenger,

But, you've won one too many fights,
Wearing all of your clothes at the same time,
Let the good times end tonight,
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her,
This time,

Just a moment or two from now,
Not a mind will retain even a trace,
Of the thoughts that I struggled to tell
And how our stack of cards just fell,

So settle this once and for all,
The light no longer shows the cracks around my door,
And I have no lantern to light your way home tonight,

You are not some saint who's above,
Giving someone a stroll through the flowers,
You've got so much more to dream of,
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her,
This time,
This time,
This time.

a Passing Thought.

2008-06-02T18:52:00.001-04:00

Why is it that boredom
Is the push that I need
To write anything of substance?

Or rather that tired
Sensation of thought
To stir up creative silt...

Like to sit at the edge
Of the pier, sun-tired
And notice an elusive flash

That jostles the brain
Imagination bulldozer
For an innovative foxhole

well...

The End of Leave

2008-05-05T01:41:00.001-04:00

(June 16th, 2005)

Ok, so it's almost four in the a.m....
And I have to leave for the airport in less than an hour
My bags are all finally packed to go
And all i want right now is a nap and a long hot shower.
But I doubt that I'll get either one
Since I've last minute checking around to do
I can't find my cd player anywhere,
And my cd's and both pairs of sunglasses too.

These two weeks went by so quickly,
Way faster than even I was really willing to bet;
And though I'm actually glad to return
I just kinda wish that my fun wasn't over quite yet.
I've been running nonstop since I got here
And as for sleep, well, I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead
But a pillow does sound great about now
As well as the lure of that warm comforting bed.

Just a few more hours left until
I get back to the daily hammer ,chisel, and grind
And although it'll be hot (and work)
I really must say that I don't at all mind.
I'm convinced that I worked harder
On this leave and vacation from work of mine
Than I have in our last month of work
And all in such hurried and exhausting short time!

But now I'm fianally going home
Or at least to the other place I like to call such
And the fun I had here, I'm sure to have there
And although different, I'm sure I'll enjoy it as much!

A Missed Calling

2008-05-05T01:19:00.000-04:00

(This is old... from Feb. 27th '06... recently ran across it in my livejournal... it kinda fits tonights reminiscing mood)

So despite what Chrysteen told me, sometimes I feel that I've missed my calling. Today is a lovely day. And as usual, I am filled with joy and satisfaction when I think about where I am and what I am doing: I would rather be no where else than where I am right now. I love my life, I love the navy, I love the work i do for her. But there are days also like today, where there is another current, an underlying one, which whispers in my ear... The doors and windows are thrown wide open to catch the light breeze from the outside, and fill my house with the warm smell of the desert in spring. The sink is full of tepid water, and soaking dishes, and the washer and dryer make the soft clicks and clinks that are their way of putting in their two cents. My toes are cold from stepping on the wet tiles of the kitchen floor which I just washed, and my sleeves are pushed up past my elbows to release the warmth of that workout. A half cup of coffee by my elbow patiently awaits re-heating, as it has been forgotten, along with the rest of the household chores, in deference to one of the two laptops which have taken up permanent residence on the dining room table...Colorful sounds pour out of said laptop, and penetrate every space of the surrounding area. Ah music! How it permeates one's being with hopes and fears, longings, memories, dreams, losses. Elation and depression, all at once. It makes sorrows heavier, and spirits lighter; and chores, easier or harder, depending on whether one chooses to clean with the rhythm, or give in to the urges to dance and sing. Lost in the swirling, dizzying, intoxication brought on by all these sensations, I fall into a dreamland, and suddenly am waiting for the little ones to wake from their naps, so that we can go to the bus stop to greet the older one after school. Dinner is planned, and ready to be started while helping out with homework, and although tired from the days housework and errands, the thought that my love will soon be home stirs up a new energy in me, and calms somewhat the insanity going on inside...And suddenly, jolted out of my daydreams by the overly obnoxious buzz which the dryer decided would best capture my attention, I realize that maybe I missed my calling. But then again, I never met anyone who could help me solidify that hazy hallucination. Maybe... maybe despite my chosen career, I will still live in that world. Someday, maybe...

Someone mentioned Blackberries...

2008-05-04T23:25:00.000-04:00

When I was a little girl we used to pick tons of blackberries(and strawberries, and raspberries, and any other kind of berry we could get our small fingers on), and then spend all weekend in the kitchen with mom making and canning preserves. I miss canning. The house always smelled wonderful, and the steam would make the kitchen walls sweat. We little girls, so eager to help out, were probably more in the way than actually of assistance. We'd make ourselves almost sick with the continuous tasting of the jam, and licking of cooled spoons. Once it was finished, and the sun would be dipping down on the horizon, the family would gather on the front porch in the cooling evening, and together we would pray the family's daily rosary, and say the childrens' night-time prayers. Waving hello to the couples taking evening strolls, we'd shout our goodnights to the neighbors and children about in that small Kansas town, and head up stairs to bed while the grown-ups (usually my mother and grandmother, and occasionally my father and perhaps an uncle or two) would stay up late, getting in their time for peace and quiet, and adult conversation.

Standing Watch

2008-03-22T08:00:00.000-04:00

I thought about writing tonight,
But haven't got the heart
Waiting on the pale sunlight
Another day to start.

Fighting sleep and dreams
I'll write anyway
My brain with nothing teems
Tired fingers delay.

Forgive these sleepy lines
Better some than none
More in daylight times
For now I'm done.

Looking Up

2008-03-18T00:13:00.001-04:00

I listened to a song today
Which echoed in my soul
Vibrating against the walls
Of a dark and empty hole
And hollowly it echoed back
The emptiness therein
But will those echos ever end?
Or where did they begin?
Like the cold night air that rushes
Through the mountains' empty caves
Searching, but never finding
The warm resting place it craves,
This song cours`ed through
And filled my frozen heart
With a colder air, a melody
That makes the soul depart;
And into the realms unknown
Of listlessness and sleep
It falls face down as thrown
Beyond what you call deep
And there remains, deep dreaming
Of a place it once called home
Of warmth and sweetest company
Once by its cold heart known

(20JAN2005)

Good Morning Sunshine

2008-03-18T00:06:00.000-04:00

The filtering in of lights
A glimpse of clear blue skies
Some sleepy sense of warmth
And dreams lost to op'ning eyes.

A hearty stretch of limbs
Then like a spring, recoil
Those glowing fingers are trying
This comfy state to spoil.

Oh go away, I'm sleeping
Why must you pester so?
The mounds of blankets and pillows
Tempt me to dive below.

But the golden air is singing
My name in notes so sweet
That finally coaxed away from night
The joyful day I greet.

(11April2006)

Tired and Sad

2008-03-18T00:03:00.000-04:00

Now I lay me down to sleep
Hold back the tears
Try not to weep
Grip the pillows close and tight
No one sees it
Just the night.
And if, somehow,I ope my eyes
Convince me, Morn,
That tears are lies.

(08AUG2006)

Cleaning

2008-03-17T23:31:00.000-04:00

So, everyone's talking about housecleaning and stuff. I love to clean, especially when I'm sad angry or depressed. It always makes me feel so much better... Cleaning makes me feel like I have control, that I can make the world a better place. It gives me a sense of order, and reponsibility well fulfilled.It's like a war really; Caesar style, planned out carefully, maps/lists drawn, attacks planned, tools inventoried and accounted for (and/or purchased if found wanting). And then when all has been staked out and prepared, when the mops are watered, the infantry fed, windex paired with paper towels, and the vacuum camped near the best positioned outlet, the attack begins! Granted, not every battle is won: there are mini-retreats, here and there, with plans being laid to return; and the enemy sends out distractions to act as countermeasures. The tv distracts the troops, and the laptop is alluring. BUT! They are ready and well prepared for such decoys, and will not let evil prevail! The cleaning will go on! The war will be won! and some sense of fulfillment and content will settle across the land (er, apartment).So speaking of cleaning... I really should do some myself. I would feel worlds better. Too bad I have to get up so early in the morning. There's always tomorrow right?
Goodnight my sometime fans

(08AUG2006)